Following the launch of my fall online group, I’m reflecting even deeper on the content I’m teaching. It’s no surprise to me that every member of the group agreed that they go unconscious and find their mind daydreaming a worst-case scenario. For some, this is worry about a loved one. For others, worry about a health outcome. For me, I worry that I won’t be enough, and this plays out in several areas of my life. My work, my intimate relationship, my ability to make an impact on the world.
In an effort to walk my talk as well as to continue to reach a wider audience, I’m going to break down my own process as an example and then invite you to consider using daydreams as a tool of consciousness.
If you know me at all, you know that I took the plunge a year ago and manifested a life long dream of living in Europe. From the outside, people tend to see the adventure, the romanticism, and the wonder of living a dream like this. Several people have expressed their envy, their awe and their own feeling of inspiration that has resulted from watching me take this leap. And while there are many aspects of living in Europe that ARE wonderful, this move has put me through the ringer.
Specifically, the move has triggered some ancient subconscious emotions. I say ancient, because my addiction to these emotions are so deep that at times I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve been through a fair amount of trauma and healing in my life, but nothing I’ve experienced has been this deep. As I launched my whole being in to the unfamiliar, my sense of emotional safety dropped out and I became completely ungrounded.
Now, that’s to be expected with a big move. But what I didn’t expect was to feel completely isolated, unlovable, and like I don’t fit in anywhere with anyone. I thought I had figured this out. I thought I was ready. And it turns out, I was just ready for the next, deeper level of healing and alignment. Typically, I’ve said, “bring it on”. But this time I’ve struggled to invite the process.
I’m supposed to be happy. I’m living with the love of my life in Europe. Shouldn’t it be wonderful? Magical? Flowing? Yes, it should. But something deep inside of me needs to transform to allow it to be.
As I began to wonder, like I do, where this feeling originated, I could see my attachment style from childhood, being the youngest of 4 children, playing a role. I could also see the early childhood trauma of sexual abuse playing a role. A friend of mine gave me another connection to consider. He said, “what if the original separation at birth, the separation from the spiritual realm where all is one created this feeling?” He could see how deep the feeling runs through me.
So, I’m in the emotional inner battle of a lifetime right now. I struggle as my brain and body want to reproduce these deep familiar emotions, and I can project like the best of them onto my partner, my friends, my family and even myself. I can create evidence that I’m unloved out of thin air. And then the stories come. The daydreams about how awful my life could possibly be. The obsession with the thought that I’ve made the worst mistake of my life. The desire to run, at any cost, from this feeling. And, because I do the work I do, I can also recognize that it’s nothing but an old pattern, and with tenacity, I can overcome it.
I think that the culture I grew up in tends to view daydreaming as a waste of time, or a form of escapism. I suppose I could agree with that. After all, I’ve escaped plenty of beautiful, connecting present moments with my daydreams that I’m unlovable. The fact is, we all daydream regularly. Whether we are conscious about what we’re daydreaming is another question. If my daydreams are a reflection of my past conditioning, I certainly can’t expect to create a different future.
I’d like to create a future where my inner most self knows that I’m loved unconditionally. I’d like to project joy and happiness out around me. I’d like to see and experience the beauty that surrounds me. So, I have some work to do to shift this old, foggy lens of pain.
So, as I’m teaching my current group to do, I take some time each day to focus myself on a conscious daydream. I imagine that 6 months from now I have a regular speaking schedule here in the Netherlands. I imagine that I am able to travel any time I want to see friends and family who live far away. And as I reflect, I realize that neither of these things is very far from my current reality. I imagine a beautiful, loving relationship with my intimate partner and his children. I imagine an even more profound sense of community here in Amsterdam.
All of these things are already happening, and my shift in focus with my daydreams allows me to sooth my nervous system, experience gratitude, and look forward to my future rather than dread it. So, what daydreams could you stand to shift? What would you like your mind movies to be about? Give it a try today and see if it changes how you feel.
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